For the mom wanting to re-activate her adult child: Let Your Light So Not-Shine -in-My-Eyes

As covenant people we need to let our light shine, but not right into each other's eyes!

Has a child ever tried to "help" you see by shining their flashlight right in your face? Yeah. And then you have to stop, in the middle of the path, until the little dots subside, because you’re blinded? Absolutely nothing wrong with the flashlight, or the path, but even good flashlights, used improperly, can make it harder to navigate, not easier.  

Similarly, shining the light of the gospel directly into someone else’s eyes makes it harder for them to see the straight and narrow path, not easier.  

When I was a teenager our home teachers (ministering brothers) came over and aggressively grilled my parents, in front of us kids, about whether they were fulfilling their religious parental duties.  I don’t remember the questions, but when I was reading a book about a similar situation the authors answers definitely reminded me of my dad.

Q. Do you have enough time in your day to pray?  

A. I’m more a pray continually kind of person.  I don’t need to set aside specific times to pray because I always have a prayer in my heart.

Q. Do you pray with your teenagers regularly?  

A. I never turn them down when they ask

Q. Do you eat together as a family at least once a day?  

A. More or less.  When one person is eating, someone else is usually in the house at the same time.

After this interview my dad put our family on the do not contact list so that ministering brothers wouldn’t come over anymore…. and he was the bishop!  He would go do his ministering every single month, but we never had ministering brothers again.

Pushing (even righteous) agendas may have good motives, but it comes across as controlling and shaming. This is also true with well intentioned parents of no-longer-participating-at-LDS-church adults: If every invitation, every conversation, every prayer they hear you utter - even over your pancakes at the 4th of July family breakfast - is trying to solicit their reactivation... it doesn't illuminate their path home. It may even be blinding them. Instead, love them. Accept them.

Invite them to be part of your life, including your church life, yes. But also encourage and accept THEIR invitations to be part of THEIR life - to the Pride Parade, to the church they've been attending lately, to watch the game with their friends where, yes, alcohol may be served. Don't lecture. Love. And if you don't avoid their uncomfortable invitations, they'll be less likely to avoid YOUR uncomfortable invitations. And when they sense that your motives really are to be in relationship with them, the real them, just as they are -- when they hit the bumps in the road (as all people do) they will be more receptive to your faith inspired advice and guidance.

Are you a mom with an adult child whose faith practices look different than yours? Or maybe you're the adult child in this situation? Therapy can help you maintain your family relationships without sacrificing your integrity.

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